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Lois and Clark Message Board
a triangle built for two     

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#130363 - 12/20/01 01:22 PM Parent Trap all - comments
merry Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 04/12/01
Posts: 2448
Daneel,
I too loved Disney's Parent Trap of the 60's.
Your Lois and Clark story here is good - but it does need some cleaning up.
I enjoyed it.
merry

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#130364 - 12/20/01 01:45 PM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
Nan Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 04/12/01
Posts: 2702
Loc: The Lone Star State
Ditto to merry. I thought the ending was very cute.

Nan
_________________________
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "What a sweet little old lady." I want them to say, "Oh crap, what's she up to now?"

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#130365 - 12/20/01 02:29 PM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
daneel Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/13/01
Posts: 134
Loc: Gijon, Spain
Hi,

Hey, wait. I'm looking for a beta-reader, and the story is not finished (The part three is a chaos because i get a little bit stuck. I knew where I wanted to go but I didn't knew how...) That was the yesterday. The inspiration appeared.

And this is my first (I didn't look for it) attempt on a not short story.

I'll see what I can do until Sunday.

Daneel.
_________________________
"No net and no fic make Jose go crazy"

Adapted from "The Simpsons" Tree House of Horror V

"The Shinning"

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#130366 - 12/26/01 12:55 AM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
Rogue Chip Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/09/01
Posts: 73
Loc: Connecticut
I liked the story and here are some personal comments. Take or ignore as you will. Statements that say 'should be' indicate how they should sound to my ear.

I'm a little uncomfortable with kryptonite section in part one because it seems too fortuitous. I thought about it and the best I can come up with is to eliminate the kryptonite and boost Ellen and Lara's heat vision enough so they can substitute that. Then when Lois ask 'what happened to your hair' she can get the answer: 'I learned a new trick' (which happens to be cutting hair by looking at it). This can also be used to pierce Ellen's ears (but you've got to get a stud in fast before it heals, just like a human ear will heal if left without a stud).

I'm unclear why Clark got one daughter and Lois kept the other. If Lois just put one up for adoption I doubt Clarkm, especially underage, would get custody. The best I can see is Lois giving him custody of one daughter with the older Kents as guidance (the courts might like that).

I'm not sure how detailed you want me to be.

'Ear holes' should be 'pierced ears'. 'make the ear holes' should be 'pierce your ears'.


The chief authority figure at camp would probably be a 'head councilor' not a 'headmaster' (but I never went to camp so I can't be sure.

Do a search for the word 'scoped' and make it 'scooped'.

"Yeah. We'd like have lunch." Should be 'to have'.

"...to met Dad" should be "...to meet Dad". (Same for to met Mom).

[Do you want me to keep going on about fixing typos and grammar errors?]

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#130367 - 12/27/01 01:13 AM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
Rogue Chip Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/09/01
Posts: 73
Loc: Connecticut
Spelling error in my reply: Head Counselor or Counsellor. (Not councilor)

I went to Dictionary.com to see if it should be one L or two and there was a usage note.

Note: The distinction between councilor, a member of a council, and counselor, one who gives councel, was not formerly made, but is now very generally recognized and observed.

And used the wrong one.

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#130368 - 12/28/01 02:48 PM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
daneel Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/13/01
Posts: 134
Loc: Gijon, Spain
Hi,

Thank you for finding some mistakes, Rogue Chip. I'm sure there are plenty of them.(You only have to read this message and you can find some.) I'm not doing it on purpose, I swear. The other day I found myself some, (and there were BIG.)

It's obvious that the story needs a beta-reading before publishing it. Now the story is finished, at least before the corrections and adding some tips, like yours. (It's interesting. I hadn't noticed it. But there are things that you can't see it, but others yes...)

Thanks for reading it,

Daneel
_________________________
"No net and no fic make Jose go crazy"

Adapted from "The Simpsons" Tree House of Horror V

"The Shinning"

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#130369 - 12/29/01 02:53 AM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
Rogue Chip Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/09/01
Posts: 73
Loc: Connecticut
I've been working on a theory where sending an email causes typos to spontaneously appear in it, and for quantum mechanical reasons to also appear in any copies of it.


Should I look for more typos or read in detail for any other particular features?

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#130370 - 12/30/01 02:30 PM Re: Parent Trap all - comments
daneel Offline
Lane and Kent

Registered: 12/13/01
Posts: 134
Loc: Gijon, Spain
It's not necessary to look for more typos. But it would be intersting to have more suggestions about the story.

About the mistakes, I still don't know why in Spanish that is my own language I inted to write "absorver" when it's "absorber" and that's the only mistake I usually made in Spanish. So imagine in English, specially since I don't write usually until I started to write some stories.

Thanks for your help,

Daneel.
_________________________
"No net and no fic make Jose go crazy"

Adapted from "The Simpsons" Tree House of Horror V

"The Shinning"

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