"Come on, baby ... don't fear the reaper.
Baby, take my hand ..."
Ah, whatever happened to the Blue Oyster Cult? Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, since it's Tuesday, it's off to Smallville or bust.
There was an ad for Drowning Pool during The Osbournes tonight. The one lyric line I could make out was "I don't care about anyone but me" and how apropos for tonight's outing in Kanada's Kansas.
The episode started out with a woman we assume is terminally ill. She at least had the telltale aquarium aerator hose up her nose and convincing medical machinery sounds of hums and beeps in the background. Her son Tyler comes to visit and the woman not only asks him to kill her, but says, "If you love
me, you'll do it." This was the first instance of self-absorption in an episode jam packed with it.
So, to prove his love for mumsie, he puts a pillow over her head. The convincing hum continues, but the convincing beep turns into the flat-line sound effect. That's basically a sustained beep. He's caught in the act, but being unaccustomed to murder, he makes a fumbling exit backward out the window and does one of the best charade clues for 'Sudden Impact' I've ever seen.
In the morgue we get treated to a coroner who likes to do comedic banter with corpse during autopsies. Talk about a captive audience. The sardonic coroner gouges a chunk of kryptonite out of Tyler's hand, which, for reasons unknown, brings Tyler back to life ... well, back to animation since he apparently remains dead. Tyler grabs the coroner's wrist and we're all spared further tacky humor when the coroner makes a total ash of himself. I do apology for the awful pun, but somehow I think the coroner would have said it himself if he hadn't ... well ... died and stuff.
We then whisk our way to Smallville where the very social conscious Kents donate their politically correct organically grown produce to Meals for the Icky Sickly. Okay, I don't remember the real name of the place, but from Clark's reaction, that might as well have been the name. Our future Superman whines, "I don't mind helping out for a good cause, it's just that these people are ..." Ma Kent fills in the blank, "Old and sick?" Clark manages to nod with a great deal of effort. "It's just hard to deal with. There's nothing we can really do to help them." There's actually a "shrug" in his tone as if to say, "why not just let them eat non-organically grown vegetables since they'll be kicking the oxygen habit soon anyway."
Martha, who can tell her son is suffering from severe effort syndrome decides to change the subject. "You excited about the big fishing trip with your dad next weekend?" When her question elicits a "Hmm" from Clark. which seemed to take his last ounce of strength, she asks, "You didn't forget, did you?" This question launches Clark into harangue mode. A harangue is like a sustained whine. You know, like the flat-line sound effect is a sustained beep. Clark takes a super breath and spews, "How could I? We've been going every year since I was seven. Ten hours in a rowboat. Swatting mosquitoes. Looking for ripples in the water." Martha looked stunned. She probably wondered, as I did, why the Boy of Steel would have to swat mosquitoes. This leads to a true temper tantrum from Clark.
When Pa Kent says he wants to protect Clark (from the Luthors), that opens the super brat flood gates, "Stop treating me like a kid! I'm not sever years old anymore! I'm not casting lines in the paddock! I don't even like fishing! The only reason I do it is because it makes you happy!" All of which proves that he is still, indeed, a kid.
Moving on, we know that since there's a Clark/father issue in the episode, there will be a Lex/father issue and a third party son/father issue (since mother/son issues don't exist in Smallville). In this case it's a Whitney/father issue. Whitney continues the "it's all about me" theme of the episode. He doesn't want to visit his dad in the hospital because that sick man in the hospital is not the strong dad he used to know. Fortunately, Clark, the guy at the beginning of the episode who saw no real good purpose in visiting the elderly and ailing, lays a guilt trip on Whitney about how important it is to do so.
The Lex father/son dynamic remains the same. Lionel needles his son by sending an accountant down to look into discrepancies on the books and Lex ties up the accountant and puts him in the trunk to give him back to dear old dad. Also, as expected, Lex expresses envy over the Clark/Jonathan relationship.
Let's gallop to the goal line and say that everything turns out swell. Lex arranges for Whitney to throw a pass with the Sharks for his dad to witness. The Sharks are the Metropolis football team Jonathan ran away from home to join years ago. I do wonder why a landlocked city nowhere near an ocean would have a "shark" as the mascot, but maybe Metropolis at one time was located on the East Coast, but instead of moving the football franchise, they moved the whole darn city to Kansas.
A few final observations. Lana didn't seem to lisp much, but her pronunciation of a few things was daunting. At one point I thought she said, "I don't know what you sad
, but think
you," which I assume was "I don't know what you said, but I thank you." Another line sounded like, "The time you have laughed
," but I'm guessing she said "left." Also, Lana was called upon to cry. Since she said in her Rolling Stone interview that she didn't care about people, method acting won't work. May I suggest a shot of pepper spray next time?
Pete had a brief scene in this episode, but was soon forgotten in favor of more Lex scenes. In fact, a little dog that our altruistic villain killed had more screen time than Pete. Then there was Chloe. Her main function was to provide the harebrained explanation for our X-Filish mutant. Chloe surmised that it was a combination of pain killers and kryptonite that gave Tyler the ability to come back from the dead and kill people completely dead. Let's hope that doesn't inspire some wacko to go to Forest Lawn and throw kryptonite and Demerol on Rudolph Valentino's grave.
Lastly, the most disturbing thing in the whole episode for me was this ...
When I saw Clark's flannel shirt matching the kitchen curtains, I expected the house to be invaded by nazis while Clark sang My Favorite Things. Oh well, kids, let's sing our way out of this episode ...
Peeping on Lana and riding in limos
hiding my powers by putting on demos
pouting in rhythm to a song sung by Sting
these are a few of my favorite things ...
Zoom (next week: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Lex Luthor)